just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
