So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
