im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
im calling her cock vulture from now on
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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