Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
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