its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize