I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
