this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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