I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
