My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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