I accidentally burped into my bong.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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