i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
