You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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