So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
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I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
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I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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