I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
