well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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