Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
