Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
