If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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