it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
