Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
