I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
