fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
