My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I wish there were birth control emojis
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
