I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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