??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
