I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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