he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
