What a fucking waste of an outfit
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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