i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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