I wish my penis had an off switch
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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