i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I feel like abortions should bother me more
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
