We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
