ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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