dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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