dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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