you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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