She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
