the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
