I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize