Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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