Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
