god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
