I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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