My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
