just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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