He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
