Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
