Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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