There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
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He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
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I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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