He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
