how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
