There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
