so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
