I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
