if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
