My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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