Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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