you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
