You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
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Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
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What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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